the struggle is always there.
it never leaves.
invisible until it makes itself visible – but only to you.
no one else can see it.
but it’s because you don’t want them to.
you don’t want the questions.
you don’t want the awkward silence.
nor the stares
nor the stigma
you want to be normal.
but you know you’ll never be normal.
because this invisible struggle cloaked in darkness follows you.
sometimes you’re so happy and you don’t pay attention.
sometimes you’re so focused looking forward and you don’t look behind.
sometimes you blanket yourself in denial and believe you are whole.
but this only lasts for a short while.
… as the slow, dense fog creeps into the night of the streets taking the yellow illumination from the aged lamp posts, so will your eternal void overfloweth with fear, pain, struggle.
it will never leave you.
you learn to live with it.
you learn to find comfort in its ability to never neglect or abandon you.
because you are treatment resistant, you let it become a part of your life, routine.
you accept the darkness into your soul.
knowing it will be the end of you.
it will not be earthly ties and the man-made ticking machine that measures age for your perish.
it will not be degeneration, disease.
it will be the absence of light that consumes you.
because you cannot fight it.
you cannot overcome it.
you succumb to it.
there is nothing that can be said, nothing that can be heard, to make it change.
there is no life event, no child’s laughter, that can inspire the light to flicker within you.
there is no love, imagined or real, that will be what you need or can heal you; this is the most mistaken belief.
the Truth: it is only Death that can save you.