Swine Flu Diaries – Day 5

DSC_0538_2Monday, November 2, 2009

I woke up so refreshed this morning.  Probably from the ten hours of uninterrupted sleep I just had.  But I woke up to my phone ringing – at 7am!  Doesn’t anyone know that I’m sick?  Grandma made some bomb oatmeal for me, and I ate it while watching a Christmas movie.  I love the holidays.  At 11am, my dogs were itching to leave the confinement of my room, so we took a stroll to the back yard.  The weather was gorgeous – the sun was pronouncing her great glory of 80-degree weather.  Nice.  I sat down and imagined myself at Mission Beach, smelling the ocean air, digging my feet into the cool sand, listening to the helicopters above… wait.  Helicopters?  I opened my eyes and two helicopters were making their way southwest.

I sulked back to my hell-hole.  A draft of tiredness hits me.  I begin to drift into a nap while watching television.  Thoughts of Monday responsibilities play through my head while Bruce Willis is listening to Samuel L. Jackson’s spill of how he’s a superhero.  Shit!  I have an exam due today and I haven’t contacted my professor.

So I guess I could just type up a play-by-play of what I did today, or I can share some thought.

I have a lot of time to think… Well, I think all the time anyway, but the thinking I’ve been doing is different now than usual, because I don’t have any distractions or obligations or anyone to really talk with to dive into thought with.

I was on Facebook, and saw that Moe got a love quote.  I read it and immediately connected.

“In a sentence of love, oftentimes you have to put a period on something that has to end and not just settle on a comma.  In time, you will realize that it’s nicer to see a complete sentence rather than a phrase that’s completely hanging and doesn’t even make any sense.”

Oh, Closure.  For so many years, I thought that amicable break-ups would be easier, you know, the kind where you say, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “We can still be friends.”  But so much gets lost in the translation.  Then you think that if you stay friends with an ex that maybe he can bring closure to all the open feelings and all the pain and hurt that you suffered through – just to realize that being friends wounds your heart even more.  I’ve learned the hard way, the only closure you can receive is the kind you give yourself.  You cannot depend on someone else to give this to you.

So I got a love quote and received,

“When you’ve found a reason to walk away, never look back… just keep walking.  It’s better to get lost moving on than to get stuck stranded broken.”

I have realized that I rationalize almost every single thing I come across in life, in order to understand it.  Once I understand something or someone, it’s easier for me to accept it for what it is.  I think when comes to people, I fool myself often.  I’m not sure if I do this because I want to believe the best in everyone, or if I’m just afraid.  It may be a mixture of both.  After reading this quote, I felt like I was being presented with words I needed to hear.  A revelation was brewing… No more second chances, third, fourth or fifth chances.  There’s a reason why the 1st chance didn’t work.  I can’t keep thinking that people will change in order to encompass me in their life, because it doesn’t work that way.  It’s time for me to move on, and I don’t mind getting lost during the journey, I can rationalize to myself that this is the fun part.