there is no consolation here

when does depression endthe struggle is always there.
it never leaves.
invisible until it makes itself visible – but only to you.
no one else can see it.
but it’s because you don’t want them to.
you don’t want the questions.
you don’t want the awkward silence.
nor the stares
nor the stigma
you want to be normal.
but you know you’ll never be normal.
because this invisible struggle cloaked in darkness follows you.
sometimes you’re so happy and you don’t pay attention.
sometimes you’re so focused looking forward and you don’t look behind.
sometimes you blanket yourself in denial and believe you are whole.
but this only lasts for a short while.

… as the slow, dense fog creeps into the night of the streets taking the yellow illumination from the aged lamp posts, so will your eternal void overfloweth with fear, pain, struggle.

it will never leave you.
you learn to live with it.
you learn to find comfort in its ability to never neglect or abandon you.
because you are treatment resistant, you let it become a part of your life, routine.

you accept the darkness into your soul.
knowing it will be the end of you.

it will not be earthly ties and the man-made ticking machine that measures age for your perish.
it will not be degeneration, disease.

no.

it will be the absence of light that consumes you.
because you cannot fight it.
you cannot overcome it.

you succumb to it.

there is nothing that can be said, nothing that can be heard, to make it change.
there is no life event, no child’s laughter, that can inspire the light to flicker within you.
there is no love, imagined or real, that will be what you need or can heal you; this is the most mistaken belief.

the Truth: it is only Death that can save you.

… and here we are, again.

Old friend, we meet again. Same game we’ve played for years, around you go and then positioned to the side of my head.

I know in the past I said we were through, and I love myself too much. But you know me best and you waited, loaded for when I came back.

Old friend, many times you believed that I had purpose and saved me from myself. But you warned me that the odds were increasing and the next time might be my last.

And now I am here.  Again. After meeting with you five times before. And we both know this is our last encounter, my want to live is no more.

Old friend, this time I am certain. There is no need to save me. It’s time we follow through with what we originally planned. I’ll leave this note beside us, to give my reasons why.  To apologize for putting myself before others, just this one time.

Old friend, let’s make this a quick one. I’m ready to get the hell out of here. I’m ready to end this life that I believe I was not destined for.

I’ll close my eyes and you’ll guide my hand to do the rest. You have always been good to me, and now you will give me what I’ve been asking for, an escape from myself for eternity.

I will still love you

There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you.

We grew up in a very conditional home.  Negative criticisms upon us for what we did and what we did not do.  We witnessed the destruction of our parents, we experienced the loss of our childhood, we both had to grow up at a young age.

When they fought, we heard it.  When they would hurt each other, we felt it.  When people would judge our family, we stood up for it.  It was ours, we owned it, we lived and breathed it, it was our home.

Now we are older than they were when we were learning to survive.

After a long day, working a job, making dinner, watching TV – we always look into the mirror before we go to sleep.  Every time we do not like what we see.  Each day we tell ourselves that tomorrow will be different – we will learn to love ourselves, tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes, but we still do not like who we see.  Maybe because when we look at ourselves, we see our parents.  Maybe because when we look at ourselves, we remember where we come from.  Maybe because when we look at ourselves, just for one second, we believe all the horrible things anyone has ever said to us and about us.

We find ourselves in the footsteps of our parents.  We find ourselves fighting, creating bruises on the flesh of those we love.  We find ourselves diving into chemical escapes.  We find ourselves striving for an eternity of rest.

We make mistakes.  Hopefully one day we can forgive ourselves.  One day, we can look into the mirror and like what we see.  Just know, that even though I struggle to love myself, even though I struggle with who I see in that reflective glass, that no matter what you do, what life you have lived and who you want to become, I will still love you.

mellifluous quietus

The darkness never ceases to remind me
Of what waits in the shadows of my weak mind
The fallacy of happiness winking its soulless eye
I will never escape the lingering of my demons

The blackness calls to me
Assuring an end to my torment
Convincing me the black canvas
Is more enviable than my painted existence

All efforts emaciated
My struggle for ordinariness proves futile
As must the day ascend
The night will always ensue

Infinitely unsound from the eminent
The sweet whispers of escape tickling my ear

This will be the last time, I promise.