thank you for allowing me to learn this on my own

For the first time, I didn’t see myself when I looked in the mirror.

I saw your eyes.
But not the ones you look at me now.
I saw the eyes that I can still remember when I was a child,
when you looked down at me and held me in your arms
when you told me everything was going to be alright
when you told me you would keep me safe from harm.

I saw your life.
The pain you endured throughout your childhood
the pain you swore your children would never feel
the pain from failing on your promise.

I saw your suffering.
From the decisions you chose to make
for running away when you thought you couldn’t handle
the insecurities you allowed yourself to create
the lack of spirit you had and couldn’t share.

I saw your confidence.
In knowing that regardless of the pain that we went through
we were all alive
somehow we made it and we still survived.

It was at this moment I saw your love.
Something I yearned for all my life.
Hoping that each time I disappointed you that you would still love me.
Hoping that if I failed that you would still support me.
Hoping that when I fall that you would lift me and hold me.

Everything I hoped for you still didn’t give.
But when I saw your love for me,
I knew in your eyes.
That you knew all along I’d be okay
you knew all along of the fire inside of me.
Because you gave it to me.

All this time I thought you kept your spirit from me.
All this time I thought what little you had you were selfish to keep for yourself.

But I was wrong.
The moment I entered this world, you sacrificed it all for me.
You gave me all of you.
Every last bit of spirit you had left from living in this world.

At this very moment, I understood.
At this very moment, when I looked in the mirror, I understood why I saw you.

You gave me all of you.

All the goodness you had left to give
All the courage you had to use
All the passion you had left inside
All the desire and drive you had left to weather through this life.

You gave me all of you.
When I see me, I see you
And now I understand.


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