god, deity, supernatural creator, universe… whoever you are

I’ve believed in many forms of you…

I grew up calling you God.  I accepted You as the Father, Jesus as your son, the Holy Spirit and the Virgin Mary.  Since I learned how to talk, I’ve been praying to you, singing songs of Tafanlisayo, O Maria Namonagof, Mother Dearest, Here I am Lord, and the list continues.  I was taught to believe in your path for me at such a young age.  There were so many things I doubted about you and the way I learned about you, but my fate, my destiny, was not one of them until recently.

Through so many trials and tribulations, I had faith there were lessons to be learned so that I may fit into the role you created for me.  Belief in this helped me see the good in everything.  I did this so well, one of my positive attributes that all noticed was that I was always able to appreciate unfortunate circumstances or negative outcomes of matters of the heart or unexpected repercussions for actions that came from the kindness of the soul.

For so long I believed there was a reason for absolutely everything…

My parents had me at such a young age, they were children struggling to raise children – this gave me a passionate perspective of how I want to be as a parent.  Involuntarily, I was no longer a child at seven years old – the structure of responsibility as a parent and giving tools to children to help them make the right decisions is something I value intensely.  My father was in the military and we were constantly shifting our home for the first ten years of my life, I was unable to gain any sense of stability or see the need for it – as an adult, I can adapt to any environment or situation, I know how to observe people and their surroundings and be able to morph into it.  Dexter died at only seven and a half years old due to cardiac arrest – he came into my life and gave me hope and faith in all things beautiful, he taught me how to be a better human being and left me when he knew his job was done – he was an angel.  There are so many aspects of life that could have been considered damaging, but through you, I created positivity, because I believed there is a role I must play and this role is involved with something so much bigger in life.  I felt it – I felt that I have meaning and I must be involved with a destiny in which was ordained.

Life continues to happen, along with pain, suffering and happiness.  I began to analyze the argument for your existence and too many questions were unanswered.

Why should I learn from suffering?  What’s there to learn from another’s suffering?  What makes me so special that I am living and my cousin, Danielle, is not?  What is there to gain from exercising tough love and doing my best to not be an enabler with my sister?  Why must she suffer with addictions and self-infliction?  What am I supposed to learn from her?  Why should my brother break down when he is alone and without his daughter?  Why would an All-Loving God full of goodness and all things right let my brother suffer and doubt his absolute love of a father for his own daughter?  For a lesson to be learned?  Who is supposed to learn this lesson?  Why must I feel this pain? Why is that I am healthy and have a roof over my head and innocent, precious children are born into extreme living conditions and must fight for life?  What am I supposed to learn from that?  What am I supposed  to gather from kidnapping, murder, rape, alcoholism, abuse and neglect?  Death from freak accidents, drunk driving, cancer, diabetes, respiratory and heart failure?  What is the lesson with all this and how can I see the good in that?

So much pain and sorrow exists in all of our lives, and I question it at last…

I don’t need severe suffering and pain to learn.  If our purpose for existence is to learn the difference of good and evil, and we strive for the path of enlightenment and greatness, then why must you continue to inflict these unfortunate events onto us, especially if we are made in your image?  Why is suffering necessary to reach reason?  Blessed are those who believe – but I accepted you as true for 29 years, and when will I be blessed?  Will it finally happen after I leave my human body which I value intensely and treat as my temple?  Will it occur when the ultimate sacrifice is made and I let my body stop living in order to save another’s?  Is it all these acts of selflessness that so many of us do our utmost to attain, so that we may live in your kingdom?  What have you given me to make me believe you have a kingdom?  Why is it we condition ourselves to believe stories that have been edited throughout the years?

Whomever you are, if you made me in your image, why don’t you trust me?  Isn’t reciprocity something to be valued?  If I trusted in you and your existence for 29 years, why would you not do the same for me?  It is so morally wrong to continue to test people for your ego… if we say we believe in you and our actions show for it, then why don’t you take it for what it is?  Why must you create obstacles and life-changing events that would make any human created in your image, doubt you…  You have created a self-fulfilling prophecy, and for whose gain?  Without followers you do not subsist and without God we do not flourish.  Why do you relentlessly give us reason to make you non-existent?

I am being faced with such a heartbreaking revelation – I want to pray, but who do I pray to?  For 29 years, prayer has brought me so close to you and has become a meditation to bring lucidity and conviction to my life.  I allowed it to bring clarity into my mind, my soul and my being.  Now that you have at last won your argument and have made me doubt your existence, I am left without prayer.  You have finally inflicted your absolute pain unto me, the reality that you do not exist and I don’t have you.  So now I ask, why have you forsaken me?  Why have you deceived me?  Why would you allow so many to follow you and trust in your greatness when you are unable to provide.  The pain and sense of being lost with no precision in mind is worse than any wound a human could ever wreak unto to me.

For so many years, I have relied on you as support.  I now realize that I must believe in this reality created for us on Earth, and I must rely on only myself for guidance.  I will trust myself, and know that I will live with all things good in mind.  I will become for myself what you pretended to be.

You are the ultimate deception.

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